Almost everyone has experienced the joy that comes early on in relationships. The look in your partner’s eyes as they are excited to see you and the butterflies in your stomach. The easy laughter and how you can talk until 3 in the morning about nothing and everything despite the fact that you both have to wake up for work or school in a few hours.
Often couples that come to see me are having a hard time finding joy together. Arguments start out of seemingly thin air and small things that used to not bother you about your partner are now triggers for conflict. Some people work hard to tell themselves to let the “small stuff” go, others feel like whenever they try to address those issues with their partner it always leads to an argument.
Learning to Talk about the Problem
One seemingly overlooked but tremendously important part of creating joy and happiness is to be able to talk about these issues. For some partners, talking about it is very frustrating, overwhelming and scary to do, although often even admitting that we are scared to talk about it is too much. This happens because talking about the fact that we get triggered by these issues often leads to those same feelings of hurt which then leads to conflict.
Part of the problem is that we end up talking about the wrong things. Conflict usually stems from patterns that run underneath the conversation.
For example: My partner calls me to tell me that she doesn’t have time to make it to a party that I have been planning for months. I might react in anger and frustration, while underneath the surface I’m feeling hurt. My partner reacts to my anger and we end up in conflict and feeling disconnected. Our walls go up and we end up angry at each other but don’t know how to talk it through.
Finding Connection in Conflict so you can Find Joy
An interesting part of the process is that when couples can find connection within the conflict, they often find their way back to joy. What I mean is if I know that my partner understands and accepts me when I am hurting, I am more likely to be able to let my walls down and celebrate joyful experiences with my partner.
You have probably tried many times to change the patterns or even identify what those patterns are that come between the two of you. Much of the time it is very important to have a trained therapist there who knows how to find those patterns and resolve them. I want you to have joy in your life and relationships as well. Give me a call and let’s make that happen.
Leave a Reply